Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Lost and Found. And lost again?

I have so many things that I want to write about...I've been in Texas for another week, there are more parenting fiascos to discuss, I've been reminded how much I really love my husband (there is apparently some truth to that asbence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder thing)...but right now, I have to talk about something else that's been troubling me.

Once upon a time...not in a galaxy far, far away...in Austin, Texas, I had a friend. And then I moved away, went to college, and well, I lost my friend. It happens sometimes. Things are said and done, people change, and then they just drift apart. For whatever reason. My freshman year of college was pretty hard, and I'm not talking about schoolwork. That's a story for a whole different time - or never - but the point is, I lost my friend, and I thought it was a forever loss.

But then! My friend found me!! And, miracle of miracles, my friend still wanted to be my friend! It was awesome! I was so thrilled to be back in touch with this person who had meant so much to me when I really needed good friends - my time in Texas was also tumultuous. I guess we could just say my teenage years in general kind of sucked in a lot of different ways, but then again, don't everyone's? Anyway...for a while, my friend and I were back in touch. Hooray! Jubilee! My friend is funny and reminds me of the happy times I had in Texas. Happy, happy. Joy, joy. Life was good.

But then. Now. I think my friend may be lost again. I don't know where my friend has gone. Or why. And because I'm me and am apparently not happy unless it's all about me, I am beginning to obsess about this. Was it something I said? Was it the subject of my last email? Did I bring up memories better left alone? Was it that I asked my friend about meeting me while I was in Waco? I don't know. It could be that my friend's Internet connection has been down for a few weeks. It could be that my friend has more important things going on in real non-Internet life than replying to my email or posting a hello. It could be a million things. But I obsess that it's about me. Because I don't like losing things. Especially friends. And I've lost my share - and it's usually been my fault in at least some way. But this friend that I lost, had been found. And now that my friend may be lost again, I'm starting to feel like an insecure high school girl all over again.

That's the problem with the Internet. It can be an awesome place where you can find anyone or anything - if those people and things want to be found. But in other ways, it's like this giant black hole. You can throw things out there that may never come back to you. Maybe you are writing a blog and there are dozens or hundreds or thousands of people reading it (or maybe just the two or three important ones!). Or maybe no one is reading. Who knows? Maybe the silence that comes back is just a factor of real-world issues that have nothing to do with Internet life, or maybe the Internet hates you. It's hard to read non-verbal cues from the Internet. The Internet has a very good poker face.

Don't hate me, Internet. Because I really like you. Help me find my friend again.

Friend, are you out there? Are you reading? Don't lose me.


Brian said...

Ain't nothing lost that can't be found! Smile gurl-friend - I'm not going anywhere. Definately didn't mean any ill will by my silence. Email coming your way tonight ... tomorrow at the latest! Hugs to your kiddos!

Cheri said...

Jubilee! The Internet DOES love me!

This paranoid moment has been brought to you by...Self-Obsession perfume, just the right scent when it's all about you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled minor psychoses.


Elizabeth said...

I'm so glad Brian's not lost and that the Internet loves Cheri. What a fantastic day! :-)

Brian said...

Are you okay?