Thursday, September 20, 2007

I've been turning, tuning, and drop drop dropping...*

So I've been feeling mentally AWOL lately. This has been going on for a while now. I'm back to doing some serious introspection. Oh, there's some fun stuff going on in the deep dark recesses of my little brain. And what do you know, there are some corners in there that I have neglected. Neglected for far too long. God, I hate looking in there.

You know, sometimes I cook something for dinner and it's just okay. Or maybe even a little less than okay. But for some reason, I store the leftovers in the refrigerator anyway. You know, just because. I made them, I should keep them, right? And they get pushed to the back of the refrigerator. And neglected. Have you ever seen what happens to neglected leftovers in the back of a refrigerator? It is not pretty, my friends. Not. Pretty.

So, this is my brain. And this is my brain with moldy leftovers. What to do? How do I get rid of the moldy leftovers? I thought I had dumped them in the trash, but somehow, the stench has remained. Or maybe there are still more leftovers that I missed before. I dunno. I've been looking by myself and I can't figure it out.

Okay, I'm not making much sense. I know, I'm rambling...give me a break - it's 1:00 am and I've been keeping this stuff bottled up for a while. Have I mentioned how utterly sick I am of worrying that I'm sick? The problem with being sick in the head is that you have to wonder if the thoughts you are having about being sick in the head are being altered because you might be sick in the head. Know what I mean? Ha ha! Hee hee! Ho ho!

Here's the deal. I have issues. To paraphrase a friend, I've got an entire subscription (she actually was not talking about me, but it fits). I like to think I'm pretty independent and smart and capable. And I don't like to ask for help. That's just a sign of weakness or stupidity or naivete. You know, for me. Other people can ask for help, that's cool. They can even ask me for help. They aren't stupid. Just me. If I ask for help. No, it doesn't make sense. Remember? Issues. However, I'm asking for help now. It took me having a minor breakdown after reading a book to bring up some of those issues. It took several weeks of trying to work through these issues in my head to bring me to the conclusion that they just aren't going to go away on their own and it's time to ask for help. It took two more weeks to bring myself to tell my husband that I want to ask for help. It took one more week after that to make the first call to get some help. It took three more days before I tried again (you would think that when you call to ask for help that the people whose job it is to help you would be a little more understanding about how hard it is to call and ask for help one time and would respond appropriately without making you call and ask a SECOND TIME). That was a week ago. I have two more weeks until I actually get to meet with someone in person and start purging the moldy leftovers. I hope they have some really strong cleaner.

1 comment:

T said...

It takes a VERY strong person to admit they have "moldy leftovers", let alone actually do something with them! I am glad you are asking for help. It really will make you feel better (and if it doesn't, seriously switch the helper.) BTW there's no quick cleaner, just a very strong you. kind of works like a project. Just remember when you plan a project to take X amount of time, it always takes at least 3X that to finish. And it's ok that it takes that long. Means it will be the best quality when you are done!

I love you and am here whenever you need/want! Day or night (now that your traveling and writing at 1AM!) :-)

Can't wait to see you!